近期，我们从征集来的作文稿件中选出了一篇较具代表性的考生作文，新航道教师、《新托福写作真经6》的作者庾翔老师亲自修改，为这位小伙伴的托福写作指点迷津，也希望能对大家之后的托福写作有所点拨。

庾翔老师，新航道长沙腾飞学院副总监，教授托福写作&阅读，SAT文法，ACT写作，托福首战111。曾混迹国内知名字幕组，如今征战教学数余载，被学生赞誉“能将学生对写作的厌恶感清零的翔哥”。

本期评改作文题目如下：

Some people think that young students (between the age of 5 and 10) should have the class that is shorter than one hour. Others think that those young students should focus for a longer period.

Which of the two views do you agree with?

1.学生原文段

Nowadays, many students started have classes at their very young age. They take many different kinds of classes, while there is a debate above young students should have the class that is shorter than one hour or they should focus for a longer period. In my opinion, i think students should focus for a longer period.

老师点评

很多学生一般在首段会先写一两句去阐述跟题目相关的社会现象或事实，以此作为背景来引出题目并表达中心观点。但是这样写往往会出现背景信息与题目过渡生硬。比如上面这一段，学生先写很多学生很小就开始上学，在学校要上不同的课，接下来突然提到现在大家在争论年纪小的学生的课堂是要短于一个小时还是更长。背景和观点衔接不上的问题在之前的作文修改中就曾指出过。解决的方法是可以把句间的连贯做好，当然还可以不写这些信息。

老师修改

Nowadays, many children start schooling at a very young age. Usually, they attend primary school from five to ten years old. Taking many different kinds of classes every day, they often have to focus for about one hour or more in each class. This engenders growing public concern among some people who propose that classes aiming at students aged between five to ten should last shorter than one hour. In my opinion, these young students should focus for a longer period.

2.学生原文第二段

Focusing for a longer period could help students improve their concentration. We all know that good habits should be cultivated from childhood before is too late. Children have better learning ability than adults. Since habits one formed are hard to break, we need to cultivate students from very young age so that they would not distract when they grow up. And the concentration is one of the most important ability which people need to have, this is critical to their future successful, because everything need to be concentrated such as work, study and so on. Focusing for a longer period is the best way to teach kids to concentrate. All the young kids should be required to focusing a long period of time. Only then, are they able to concentrate in their future life. Take my little brother as an example, who used to take English class from 5 years old. His English classes are two hours each, which is a very long time for a young kids. Thanks to this, my younger brother could concentrate on everything he do when he grow up, which improve his efficiency. He could read all afternoon in his room without any distraction. But for me, i am not as lucky as he is. I have never take a long class when i was young. The longest class i have taken is just for one hour, so i cannot always concentrate on what i do but be distracted by other things. Each time when i doing my homework, i will be distracted by my classmate who is talking next to me. I really want to change this situation, but since i didn’t cultivate this kind of ability when i was young, i have to spend a very long period of time. And i haven’t change this bad habit up to now.

老师点评

这一主体段在前部分的解释出现了首段一样的问题，句间衔接不自然。句为本段分论点——“课程持续更长时间可以帮助学生提升专注力”，第二句转而提及好习惯从小培养，第三句又开始说 “孩子的学习能力比成年人好”。

结合后面几句的内容，理顺学生的逻辑：课程持续更长时间可以帮助学生提升专注力——专注力是人们必备的重要能力——因为学习工作等事情都需要专注——培养专注力的方式就是养成长时间全神贯注的习惯——好的习惯需要从小培养——所以可以通过延长课程时间来培养小孩子的专注力。

关于句间衔接，《新托福写作真经6》中有不少段落就作了非常好的示范。衔接自然的句子基本都会下一句包含上一句的一些信息，这样才能环环相扣。比如第170页的第1个主体段，该段句先提到回收利用废物可以延缓自然资源的消耗。第二句提到自然资源的过度开发最终会摧毁环境。第三句和第四句举例，金属的开采和使用到电子产品中都会污染环境。第五句说于是人类跌入一个恶性循环：不断消耗资源，不断污染环境。第六句引出循环利用资源毫无疑问将是日益增长的人口需要关注的。最后第七句总结全球70亿人口，每个人应该积极回收利用像纸张、购物袋和旧点子产品等物品。

老师修改

Classes of a relatively long period of time could help students improve their concentration. Concentration, as is known to all, is one of the most important ability people need to have, critical to their future success. This is because almost everything need to be concentrated such as work, study and so on. The best way for one to cultivate concentration is for people to form the habit of focusing their attention on things for a longer period. Due to the facts that good habits should be cultivated from childhood and children are by and large fast learners, long class time when children are at the age of 5 to 10 requires them to be attentive in class and thus can keep honing their concentration on a daily basis. Take my little brother, who used to take English class from 5 years old, as an example. His English classes were two hours each, very long for a young kid. Thanks to this, my younger brother could concentrate on everything he does when he grows up. He could read all afternoon in his room without any distraction. I am, however, not as lucky as he was. I have never taken a class lasting for more than one hour when I was young. I cannot always concentrate on what I do but will be distracted by other things. Each time when I do my homework, I will be distracted by my classmate who is talking next to me. 

3.学生原文第三段

Although someone may think focusing for a long period of time is a challenge to the kids and we should not push our kids so hard, i have to say you must do this when they are young before is too late. Children may have difficulties on learning how to focus, but once they have done they will be benefit forever. However, If they not, they would have to spend much more time on this.

老师点评

最后两段没什么大问题，补充了一个让步段并且最后一段结尾，需要注意人称代词的统一，以及个别地方的用词。

老师修改

Although some may think focusing for a long period of time is a challenge to kids and kids should not be pushed so hard, I have to say habit should be formed as early as possible before it is too late. Children may have difficulties in learning how to focus, but once they make it they will benefit from the habit forever. However, if they not, they would have to spend much more time on this when they grow up.

4.学生原文最后一段

According to what i have discussed above, we could easily draw a conclusion that students should focus a longer period than one hour.

老师修改

According to what I have discussed above, we could safely draw a conclusion that students aged from 5 to 10 should have classes of a longer period than one hour.

在写作庾翔老师的指点之下，对这篇作文有没有茅塞顿开的感觉？《新托福写作真经6》中还有更多的真题，写作范文和写作策略指导，还不快快动手操练起来！